slavesincorporated

That Sporty Feeling

In Health, HR, humor, Office on March 12, 2011 at 19:41

Doctors advise it, jobs preclude it and you need it. It is touted as fun, hip and healthy. But you probably find it to be exactly the opposite. Yes, we are talking about (don’t finch) EXERCISE. Physical activity, outdoor excursions and…walking.

Cavemen did not do many of the things we do today, like…exercise. And they got by pretty alright. Think about it: they did not have arthritis, credit swaps and PTSD. Modern-day humans (specially the professional variety) have evolved into organisms that survive using minimum of their God-given morphology. Basically, we use our fingertips and eyes more than our calves.

Screen Time

But worse than not being able to exercise is keeping the illusion of trying. I’m talking about taking the stairs to your second floor apartment, participating in corporate sponsored marathons and annual sports days.

What a sham!

1-2 days out of 365…on a weekend. I mean, who are we trying to fool?

What is that…?

It is meant to be a social gathering for family and colleagues you say?

Why would you want to bring together two groups of people you are involuntarily stuck with in a communal setting? Add to that ill-fitting, bulk-procured garishly colored ‘sportswear’ and you have one very forgettable occasion.

More than the physical activity in an uncontrolled environment, you will find other experiences more stimulating, such as:

>> Realizing Mr. Sal actually has a fully functional body. Having never seen him detached from his desk, it is strange to actually see him walk!

>> Realizing almost everybody in office is obese. Even the rather-hot sales-admin lady you fancied can’t contain her modesty in the aforementioned ‘sportswear’. What a heart-breaker…

>> Some of the forced frolic you do end up participating in will remind you of why you dreaded the gym class in school; viz embarrassing clothes, performance anxiety and bullies.

Yet, such events perpetuate, year after year. You surrender your attendance as required, trying to fake the glee. You downgrade your participation from 100 meters to spoon-and-egg to carom. You still get mildly excited when an inadvertent picture of you makes its way to the corporate magazine.

Exercise...not for everyone

If you are a life-timer, not showing up for sports day would be about as empty a rebellion as a used can rolling along on a remote highway. So wear those cheap outfits, give your attendance but don’t have too much of the ‘juice’ being offered at the ‘volunteer-manned’ refreshment stalls. And don’t even think of it as recreation, you would only be fooling yourself.

However, if you are not a home-bound pensioner-in-waiting, rebellion is for you! But make no mistake about it, the days of bad-ass protests are gone with the communists. You need to be smart now, stealthy, guerrilla almost. Use your right brain. You’ve been giving it step-motherly treatment for too long, even if you are in a marketing job. Come up with never-heard-before-no-chance-for-a-comeback alibis for not attending sports-day:

>> I pulled a hamstring while performing my morning duties

>> I need to be present at a reading of a distant relative’s will; I may be in for some inheritance. (Later, off course, you sadly inform people that you were cheated out of it by an evil cousin)

>> I’m helping a friend elope; he has sworn me to secrecy.

–          J.

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