The Cribber next Cube

In duracell bunny, frayed ends of sanity, geographical sense, Health, humor, minute periods, Office, violence and bloodshed on September 16, 2011 at 03:21

It is the same tedious movie over and over again. Only the actors change, the characters remain the same. There is the squealer, the cribber, old man Jack, the almost good-looking receptionist and the Duracell bunny high on Valium. You would like to think of yourself as ‘caught in the wrong job’ type but that is not very niche, is it?

In every galley you have served time in, you seem to attract the most stressed species. Off course, when you say attract, you mean in a geographical sense: same department, neighboring cubicle, shared printer.

In your current slammer, the character of the cribber is played by none other than Mrs. Saldana. Loud and within earshot, Mrs. S is a cure for deafness and a malady for sanity. With planetary precision, she starts her record soon after 9. She quiets down by 4 by when she has already started packing. But it is too late by then. You are at the frayed ends of sanity and your to-do list seems to be defying many laws of physics by simply not ending.

Though cribbing audibly seems to be at the very top of her KRAs, Mrs. S does some other work too. She attends exactly 3 personal calls throughout the day that may last in multiples of 30 minute periods. These are more peaceful times as her tone of voice undergoes schizophrenic changes when on the phone. Almost alchemically, she reverts to the slow grinding cribbing as soon as the receiver of her phone clicks ending her call.

Any question or greeting directed at her invariably meets with a complaint about how overworked she is and how the work sucks and how she is just gonna die doing this! It is not very eloquent but it gets the job done. Like a construction site next door or an alarm clock that you can’t locate in your cupboard, Mrs. S’s voice speaks to your most primeval urges of violence and bloodshed. There have been times when you have almost gotten off your not-so ergonomic chair, stepped into the cubicle next door and told her to put a sock in it, or two. But frustrating civility keeps you in your chair. The only thought that comes to your mind is: ‘Where is your gun when you need it the most?’ It keeps you up at nights. There have been times when you could have sworn you heard Mrs. Saldana’s baritone outside your window. On most occasions it turns out to be a cat but it is disconcerting.

Following months of bombardment, a different day finally dawns. On a rather peaceful Monday morning, your train of thought is broken by the piercing sound of silence. Amazed, you stand up to check on Mrs. S. She finally took a day off, you think. Next door Joe seems to have read your thoughts.

NDJ: Mrs. Saladana won’t be coming in for a while.

You: (only manage a ‘what gives?’ expression that barely contains your joy)

NDJ: You see that young man over there?

You: (still the same expression)

NDJ: That is her son, he has come here to collect her things. Mrs. S suffered a heart attack over the weekend. So she won’t be coming in for a while. Doctors say it was stress.

You: (only manage an expression that is a mixture of shock and guilt)

Sympathy is long dead and empathy is in short supply. It is every slave for himself.

– J.

  1. […] anymore. It is like your entire office got teleported to a bar. All the characters: Head Slave, the Cribber, the bright spark, loose fit Larry are there. They are in the same position/disposition and posture […]

  2. “Could I be less happy right now?!!”


  3. Another phenomenally well structured piece of every ones daily suffocation. I know for a fact we don’t work at the same office, and I know for a fact we are complete strangers here. However, I am starting to sense that there may be a pack of Mrs. S forming somewhere, hiding, scheming, applying to the many jobs with offices. Perhaps there’s a union we were unaware of, but like a position in an office, “Mrs. S” may have in fact evolved into a position we so defiantly ignored.

    • You have made my day 🙂 well structured is an important check box in the SlavesInc QA test

      this post turned out a lil longer than the others but I liked the flow

      a Mrs. S union…wud be the stuff of nightmares

  4. How did you know where I worked? BTW, Mrs. Saladana is doing quite well and is coming back in time for the Holiday party.

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