Theme Song

In Boss, conspiracy theories, Office humor, Organisation, Wage Slaves on October 24, 2011 at 02:22

Wide smiles, vibrant colors and perfect sunsets. Community, camaraderie…utopia. No twisted ankles, no traffic jams, no troubles. No stress, no back aches, no empty calories. You can also sense vague but spastic music and distantly jarring rhymes.

No, you are not at the carnival nor have you licked a stamp. You are being subjected to…the corporate theme song. More pompous than a self-titled rap album, more lame than a Friends re-run, it seems custom made to irk, itch and ­annoy. There are more ethnic varieties of employees than the United Nation’s Assembly, more scene-esque locales than a tourism commercial. For a creature of the cubicle such as you, this seems cruel and unusual punishment. But it could be worse: may be there are subliminal slave control messages in the video.

Since you have to stand up every darn time they play it, letting your mind drift is also difficult. The best you can do is mix truly felt contempt with plastered-on smile to produce a neutral look on your face. By the time the second verse starts, cracks are appearing on your solemn face, revealing lines of dissent. With immaculate timing, Head Slave catches you by the elbow. ‘Sing along sport!’ he bellows over the music. You didn’t even notice he had crawled next to you, so enthralling were the stock images in the video. Now you will have to pay some improvised lip service. Your mouth is already half open in mock-sing along but no voice escapes it. Lip syncing is easy when you are standing next to the speaker but it would be a lot easier if you knew the lyrics. The emotion you need is ‘Acme Sales Corporation: A wholly owned subsidiary of Acme International is God’s gift to mankind.’ But you would have to be method actor to fake it.

You survive this round but there will be no escaping come the sales meeting you have to conduct next week. Not only will you have to ‘sing’, you will have to get fellow slaves to participate. In the absence of options, you will manage somehow. At least, you will use the word sell-out more prudently in the future.

– J.

  1. […] communion, all slaves are required to hold hands to form a chain of like dressed creatures as the theme song is played out. A video camera follows this human chain to capture the lameness for posterity. You […]

  2. Until a few months ago, the hold music on our internal EPABX was the corporate theme song 🙂

  3. Hey. No offense dude. But please do not spam my inbox with links to your blog that i dont want to read. Can you honestly ask your friends(12 of them, to be precise) that you mail(bcc from the past 2 weeks) if they want to receive updates on your blog? Please stop spamming my inbox. I know i could contact you directly, but it will be awkward. Besides, 12 people reading this wont give you more $$ in your adsense account.

    • Alright I know everyone on the mailing list personally and most of them read the blog Just tell me your e-mail and I’ll take you off, sry for the trouble

      btw, adsense doesn’t work on WordPress, I’m not making a dime here

  4. This reminds me of one very unfortunate time when I entered Wal-Mart (I don’t go there anymore) early in the morning and they were chanting this supposed motivational ditty. It was spooky and cult-ish. Nothing motivates a minimum wage part-time worker more than chanting loyalty cheers to the mega company that enslaves them.

    • Is tht why you stopped going?

      Are those stories of store attendants having to wear diapers to avoid loo breaks true?

      Speaking of cults, I haven’t had to wear a uniform thus far but it sure would be a befitting topic for a post

  5. BTW, I shared this on my FB 🙂

  6. Working for the man is part theater and part survival. Feeling like a dork while singing is part of the punishment … good luck with the meeting.

  7. the comparison to a carnival is spot on!

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