slavesincorporated

Archive for May, 2014|Monthly archive page

OUT OF OFFICE

In Communication, e-mail, humor, Office humor, Resignation on May 19, 2014 at 03:56

Courtesy is a form of formality. And formality is; in most cases, imposed. At least you find it so. This adds to the tedium of being in an office for the major part of your waking day.


Keep calm Courtesy

Till your major jail break takes shape, outdoor duty is the only gasp of fresh air you can take. But this too is fraught with formality starting with: ‘Out of Office’ replies. There are ready formats available ranging from the apologetic: ‘I will have infrequent access to emails. In case of urgency, I can be reached at…’ to the whacky: ‘You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.’ Then there is the high flier who says the same thing in 5 foreign languages in case his long lost Czech friend finally decides to add him on Pinterest

Out of Office Beach

But none suits your style. This is because your style would be to leave no automated reply at all. You can’t imagine anyone’s life depending on your responding to a mail on the same day. But invariably, when you are out of office, some unfortunate soul’s life does land the misfortune of doing so.

Office emergency

There is no escaping formality. So you decide to go through ‘OUT OF OFFICE’ replies that you have received in recent months for inspiration. And there are quite a few of them. A lot of people seem to be gasping for air. One in particular catches your attention for its sheer length:

‘I am out of office right now…

Since you are still reading, might as well make it worth your time. This is a little story about a young girl who had joined us last year. After months of neglect and taking photo copies, she finally left voluntarily. This is the resignation letter she tendered: When I had joined last fall, I felt truly happy after a very long job search. Being a management trainee with this organization would be the perfect start to what I want to be a long career, I thought. The stipend wouldn’t hurt either. In fact, if I commuted by bus, it would help pay off some of my student loan. But after 9 months of only taking photo copies for pretty much everyone in office except the other management trainees, I feel guilty. The pay as I said; doesn’t hurt. Not that I have not eagerly asked for work from anyone who would listen but you guys seem to have everything pretty much covered. An office boy in more dire need of employment could do my work. The only consolation is; the coffee was good!

The letter does not seem to have affected HR much but I thought it would be better than a Plain Jane auto-reply. Thank you for your e-mail. I will get back to you as soon as I rejoin.’

Well, you don’t remember reading this yourself though it lies very much in your inbox. You do believe that rebellion no matter how ill-fated never goes to waste. But you also believe that you should save your energy for those who care and for a time that matters.

Resignation Letter - Cake

For now, you stick to the bare minimum: ‘I am out of office, I will return on the 29th,

And to liven the mood, you add: ‘In case of emergency, dial 911.’

 

– J.

Fire Drill

In humor, Office humor on May 12, 2014 at 01:57

Your father always talked about learning from experience. That way to wisdom has long since been discredited. This is a world of preparation and pre-preparation. And we are better and safer off for it. In this world, exams are cleared before they are written, matches are fixed before the toss and wars are won before they are waged. Foretold, forewarned amd foreclosed.

The Venus Project

You still try to be natural though, being unnerved by every act of deceit and moved by every act of kindness. However, the overriding emotion seems to be that of surprise. The jingle of the announcement system comes on and you expect the receptionist in her sorry voice to declare the occurrence of some non-event. But it is not her. It is not even the stand-in receptionist. It is a man’s voice. It is a very old man in charge of training very young recruits. His voice starting with the presumptuous “Hello friends…’ rains down from the skies. On more than one occasion you have imagined the end of the world to be akin to this. So you look around for what you could take with you for the arduous journey.
yesman mike

 

‘Saifty is verry imporrtant,’ says the old man in an accent thicker than a thick milkshake during HappyHour. Somewhere in the middle of his seventh long sentence you understand this is a fire drill. If you were to wait for the old man to finish, the whole place would burn to the ground. Fellow slaves have by now started scampering.  Well, not exactly scampering but getting their act together in general.

 

office-fire

 

Groups of slaves are to follow their assigned leader or ‘Fire Marshall’ as these guys like to be called; in a straight line to the designated escape area. If you were to guess the protocol you would have said, ‘Scream fire, run like hell and lock yourself up in the bathroom.’ Which is why you will never get to be Fire Marshall. But you can make like good sheep and follow your shepherd to the parking lot. If you were to follow your own path, you would keep running, as far away from the burning building as possible and not wait in the lot. But while in employment, policy rules everything right up to possible death and posthumous insurance claims.

A safety instructor awaits the rescued lot, mike at the go. Keeping a straight face was difficult enough without the instructor being a Comedy Circus wannabe. ‘Imagine its a fire in your kitchen, is that the best you can do?’ he says to one lady. ‘You will only stoke the fire further,’ he says to another ample volunteer trying to douse a flame by sitting on it!

ConductingFireDrill

 

The festivities are brought to a halt when the headcount does not add up. Two slaves are definitely missing, even after counting twice. The Marshals and the Instructor seem more crestfallen than one would if a loved one had met an untimely demise. You find their commitment admirable and amusing at the same time. They can write out all the fire safety SOPs with their left hand with their eyes closed but they can’t for the life in them figure out the cause of two possible casualties. After it stops being funny, you walk up to the Instructor and suggest that he check the tea stall outside the office building.

In case of fire

 

And sure enough, your two casualties are very much breathing, enjoying their third cuppa for the day. Foretold, forewarned and foreclosed but no real-life experience.

 

– J.