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Archive for the ‘Policy’ Category

We Have a Policy for That

In HR, Office Romance, Policy, SlavesInc on November 8, 2014 at 20:21

If you had a dime for every time you heard that, you would need another policy. With every passing year and revised battery of policies, it becomes harder to discern if you have slipped into more ethically grey waters or you simply have a mild case of amnesia.

As rules come and go and metamorphose, it is hard to tell if you are a criminal waiting to be caught or if you were born that way.

keep-calm-and-call-corporate-policy

‘I still remember the first time we met, right there at the water cooler,’ Rita says as if lost in Sam’s eyes. A random story of how their first meeting was both funny and memorable follows but you have learnt to tune out FYI details a long time ago.

You blank out for almost five minutes. When you come to, Rita is still sharing, ‘And that’s the first time Sam said…’

Sam is also standing by your desk trying hard to hold a smile on his face. ‘I remember seeing you guys together all the time last December when you used to work at the office in phase A,’ you say.

‘No no,’ Rita says suddenly defensive, ‘that must have been this year.’

‘No, I distinctly remember X’mas decorations. I may even have a photo,’ you say taking out your phone. It’s almost like she tipped your patience over.

Rita does the only thing left to do, says she needs to check her mail and bails. Sam stays on biting his nails.

‘Policy?’ you finally ask him.

‘Yea man,’ he says, ‘one month’s salary as bonus for both husband and wife.’

‘That’s enough to sponsor your honeymoon,’ you suggest.

‘Exactly but…’

‘But?’

‘Only if the couple met while in employment here.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Policy?’

‘Policy.’

‘Amen,’ you say.

Sam gets up to go. You can’t help but ask how the company makes sure if the parties in question were in employment when cupid struck.

‘I don’t know,’ he says, ‘Rita wants to go on a EuroTrip so I am playing along, please don’t tell anyone.’

Internet Policy

Policies may range from the no-brainers to the ludicrous, the only constant is unquestioned compliance.

As rules come and go and metamorphose, honesty continues to be what you do when no one is looking.

– J.

Her-assment

In HR, humor, Office humor, Policy on June 26, 2012 at 03:28

‘So when we do not like a co-worker’s gaze, what is the appropriate course of action?’

‘Complain to…’

‘No, we do not complain. We…warn the gazer twice in a polite but firm manner. 3rd time, we report him to…HR’

Pauses to prod the audience into participation are not working.

Judge Judy continues…

If we want to compliment a co-worker on his or her outfit, what is the best option?’

‘Keep it simple’

‘Only above the belt’

‘No, the best option is: don’t. Compliments are best saved for friends, not co-workers.’

That last one actually made sense, in a SlavesInc. sort of way. But in an otherwise bleak session, it is not much of a life-saver. Every year, the company cleanses itself of all wrong doing by making you; the slave, sign on mutually overlapping and collectively exhaustive Commandments.

It you want your daily bread and monthly salary; you have to swallow this and other hoopla. And is it you or does the presenter on Sexual Harassment policy seem to wearing an exceptionally taut blouse? Not only can you not gaze at her, you can’t compliment her outfit either.  So you look down most of the time, trying not to drift off into Neverland. You are feeling like a pervert already.

Moving on, ‘What do you do when you find a co-worker browsing sexually explicit images on his screen?’

Now that is a tough one. Something tells you the two warning principle applies here too. Do it once, you get the benefit of the doubt and a polite but firm warning. Do it twice and you are a paedophile! Off the record, you would probably walk up to the adventurous co-worker in question and ask for the URL that is immune to the Firewall. Thank God you did not say that out loud.

‘To recap, can you; Mr. J, tell us the appropriate course of action in case of…?’

‘You know, one could be browsing explicit images for official work!’

The ensuing silence tells you that you did say that one out loud.

Oops!

5 seconds pass and no one has given you a polite but firm warning yet. So you continue, ‘He could be a product manager for one of our vitality pills, for example.’

The audience of potential sexual offenders laughs out in unison. The taut bloused presenter laughs out too. But she checks herself and continues. She ends the session with a detailed account of the consequences awaiting offenders.

That was a close one. You will have to practice not thinking out loud. Now that you have signed the Commandments, you are already guilty until proven innocent. The time when you will need a contract just to say hello to someone is not far away. You had better save your smiles and your friendship for those outside office.

– J.