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Archive for the ‘Retirement’ Category

Every Farewell Note Ever

In Motivation, Resignation, Retirement on January 18, 2016 at 04:45

Deer Phriends,

With a heavy heart and a light pocket, today I say <insert google searched French word for goodbye>

My time with Acme Chemicals has been fantabulous, like an orgasm every minute.

Thank you all for blah blah…

Life is a journey coz…who gives a f*ck about originality.

Keep in touch randomid@inevercheckthisshit.com and let’s connect on LinkedIn where I will suddenly become more active than a circus monkey high on crack.

Warm Regards,
Bud

 

Gone Fishing.png

Retired / Absconding / Dead

In HR, Interview, Office humor, Retirement on July 22, 2013 at 17:08

* Resigned / Transferred / Promoted / Retired / Absconding / Dead

There they are staring at you through a pivot table. The universe of choices available to you the employee. Precise, clear, mutually exclusive and collectively exhaustive. But not very motivating.

Prisoner

Not that motivation was the intention anyway. You remind yourself that you have a tendency to look for motivation in all the wrong places. You need to concentrate on the task at hand. Classifying hundreds of exit interviews or lack thereof into neat non-threatening categories. It seemed at first an unenviable assignment. Your team is bent on churning out some graphs and hitting SEND. But you can’t help but read some of the responses out loud. Most are of the pedestrian ilk:

  • To pursue better avenues
  • Relocating
  • Mom is ill
  • Going for higher studies

But some are interesting, almost inspiring:

  • Going to Osho Ashram for a year to practice meditation
  • Starting a consultancy of my own, connect with me on…
  • Going back to look after father’s farm
  • Finally won a property dispute granting me 70 million!

Now we are talking!

‘Who is this guy?’

‘70-****-million?’

‘Maybe he can hire us now.’

‘Is he married?’

WinningTicket

And similar chatter indicates your team is alive. Who would have thought records of slavery would serve as interesting reading. Seemingly sterile in aggregation, but brimming in isolation. Brimming with sound and poetry. With stories and potential, sunshine and possibilities…if only we decide to.

Decisions are often rued and seldom taken. They are deferred, deterred and pondered over. They bring great power but also attract a great deal of gravity. They seem easier in hindsight and impossible in the here and now. Leaders make decisions, managers execute them and slaves follow.

Obama Chair

Seeing so many of them together is a rather disorientating experience. Especially as these are decisions taken by the average voter. Decisions to leave this galley and move on. Move on to greener pastures, slimmer work hours and fatter pay cheques or at least one of the above. Anywhere but here.

Dealing with decisions is daunting. You would rather have it imposed than go through the ordeal of deciding yourself. This has dual benefits. Less taxation for the brain and you get someone to blame later.

Rock_Paper_Scissors__Hitler

You may have found some motivation after all, albeit in traces. You change the morose classification:

* Resigned / Transferred / Promoted / Retired / Absconding / Dead

to a lighter one:

Quit / Assisted / Concluded

At least, it will force your descendants to dig deeper.

You still need to make those graphs though.

– J.

Sabbath-ical

In humor, Retirement, SlavesInc, work life balance on December 12, 2012 at 12:26

Fresh ground coffee, sunlight and a leisurely stillness. The closest you will ever get to these things is on a wallpaper. That and your day dreams, if you are still capable, of dreaming i.e. If you are not, we have a product for that (more on that later).

Day Dreaming 1

You get a glimpse on sleepy Sunday afternoon, at a long lunch break and over some particularly foul-tasting coffee. And it vanishes, with the next e-mail, the next ping and the next back ache.

You kill the thought in its infancy before it escapes your lips. You laugh it off yourself before others have a chance. But it persists. Like a faithful puppy. You try to explain to it that the world is a cruel place that does not have the patience to humor fluffy dreams. But it just barks back at you.

So you throw it a bone sometimes. You do the only thing that does not require intellectual or testicular fortitude. You Google it. And you find there is a website for that too: yoursabbatical.com

YourSabbatical.com

Tips and tricks, products and services, news and…research! It’s all here. It has an All-you-ever-wanted-to-know condescendence about it. It says that even in your most personal dreams, you are as ordinary as a consumer. And we have just the product for you!

Black Sabath Heaven and Hell

Every day that you procrastinate, more seemingly novel business ideas are being taken by those with a greater supply of kash, kismet and kahoonas, or a combination thereof. The economics of it all is staring you right in the face. Get rich soon or die trying.

50 Cent

The ancients believed dreams tell us what we need to know. Dreams of the modern man may not be more than a noxious mixture of last night’s TV shows and his last Happy Meal. But they can still provide mild entertainment. One thing is clear: We did not crawl out of trees to rot at a desk all day.

–          J.

These Four Walls

In Retirement, SlavesInc, work life balance on July 24, 2012 at 04:16

‘What can I say about Mr. Roy?’ was the HR lady’s unimaginative but honest start.

Toasts are hard, eulogies are harder. They are hard to deliver, perhaps even harder to sit through. Yet we indulge in them. We struggle and we hope to find meaning. The really good ones continue to be those that are rehearsed and on TV!

This one is turning out to be excruciating. Mr. Roy is standing there in a flannel blazer surprisingly with no elbow pads. He is flanked by two similarly grey men.

‘I have known Mr. Roy for over two decades. Back then, we were called Supreme Pvt Ltd. Then we got taken over by Axel Labs in the year 1995. In the year 200…

…People leave companies. In our case, companies leave us.’

That was a joke.

A couple of forgettable recollections later, it is now Mr. Roy’s turn to try to utter something befitting the occasion.

He looks like a man not used to wearing a suit and not used to being the center of attention. He seems ready but awkward. He is sad but smiling, hesitant but resigned.

‘I joined this company in June of 1980. We used to sell brass polish back then. SS bras polish we used to call it…sold lots of those. Many of you were probably not even born back then. I have done pretty much everything there is to do here. It’s…it’s been good. This is a good company. My son is going to graduate next year…You spend so much time here, here in office, I barely noticed him growing up. I…I have spent my whole life here, 5 to 6 days a week, for my family. And you have become my family, of sorts. I…don’t know what I will do next, I have my pension, you know…’

The man behind Mr. R tugged at his arm, stopping him mid-sentence. A hushed conversation followed. Roy glanced towards the crowd smiling as if to reassure.

‘Thank…thank you.’ he finally said and walked out.

Later you see him clearing out his desk, talking assuredly with his replacement. He takes down the poster in his cubicle that says:

‘Never

ever

ever

ever

ever

give up!’

A true SlavesInc. moment.

You look up at your own poster, the one you have in your cube. It says:

‘I once had a dream that my world was bigger than these four walls’.


– J.